When you’re in business the finances and making decisions about investments and money can feel overwhelming. If you’re married it’s natural you may turn to your husband for support and talk about your thoughts, worries and questions. But you might not get the response you were hoping for. And if your husband keeps suggesting that you should go back to you 9 to 5 because your business is not yet making the money you need, it can leave you feeling that you can’t talk to your husband about it.
If that sounds like you, this blog will help. I will explain how to talk to your husband about your business numbers so that you get the support you want and he stops suggesting you go back to a 9 to 5.
But firstly there’s some things it’s helpful to understand about our brains. The male and female brain are not exactly the same. This means that we experience, respond and react quite differently to the same situation.
When you understand the differences between the male and female brain, it explains why your husband responds the way he does and makes it easier for you to do something about it.
What does this mean for your marriage?
There will be times when you want to download, talk something through or get it off your chest with your husband and he responds with solutions or tells you what to do. Leaving you feeling frustrated and that he doesn’t get what it’s like to be you. And if you tell him this, he probably also feels frustrated and doesn’t understand why his ‘helpful’ responses are not landing well because he’s ‘told you what to do about it.’ Which will result either in you having a row about it, or one of you walking away upset. Not great.
The good news is that when you understand the differences between the male and female brain you can make some changes to how you have these conversations so that you are more likely to get the support you are looking for from your husband.
This is my 3 step process to help you do just that
Decide what type of conversation you want to have with your husband:
Download conversation – where you want to get things off your chest, talk things through but you are NOT looking for solutions. You want to offload and know that talking about it will help.
Solution conversation – where you’ve got a dilemma or decision to make or you don’t know what to do and you’d like the input and opinions of someone else. You ARE looking for solutions.
It’s important to figure this out before you start the conversation, because your husband’s brain will approach any conversations as if it is a solution conversation. When this is what you want it’s great. When you’re looking for a download conversation it’s important you know that so that you can set the conversation up to give you what you want.
Once you know what type of conversation you’re looking for, the next step is to let your husband know. Before you start talking about your business numbers, set the scene for the type of conversation you are looking for, by using these conversation openers:
For a download conversation say something like ‘I want to get this off my chest and would find it helpful for you to listen’
For a solution conversation say something like ‘I want to figure out what to do about this, and would find it helpful to talk it through with you’ or even ‘it would be great to hear what you think about this’
This step helps you set your conversation up for success. And your husband’s practical brain will love it, because it’s getting a clear instruction about what you want from him.
Once you get into the conversation with your husband, you may feel it is straying from what you are looking for. This is more likely to happen in the download conversation, but it could happen with both. He might start offering opinions or telling you want he thinks you should do when that’s not what you’re wanting.
If this happens, firstly don’t get frustrated with your husband or feel you’re wasting your time. Remember that your husband’s brain is set up to be practical and give solutions, so he may find the download conversations a bit tricky at first. He may need a few reminders to stay in a download conversation.
You can bring the conversation back on track by using statements like ‘I feel we’re moving into finding solutions, and I’m not ready for that. I’d find it really helpful to talk this through and for you to listen.’
This is reminding your husband what you are looking for from the conversation and getting it back on track.
Now you understand a bit more about how your husband’s brain is wired and have the 3 step process, you can start conversations with your husband about your business finances with confidence and it will be much less likely that he’ll tell you to go back to a 9 to 5.
If you’re looking for more support with your marriage, check out Making My Marriage Work. This is my monthly subscription for mums who want to make their marriage work without having to find time for 1:1 sessions.
Carol Fare is a Marriage Coach who helps mums make their marriage work when they’ve already tried everything else.
Over the past 5 years Carol has supported many mums to make their marriage work whilst juggling family life. She believes that once you understand what makes your marriage tick, it makes it so much easier to make the changes you need to make your marriage work. And that there are simple steps you can take every day that will create the marriage you want.
Carol regularly blogs about all things connected with marriage: how to make your marriage work, how to create a marriage you can’t imagine leaving and how to have a healthy and happy relationship with your husband.
Carol is also a wife and mum and knows all about the real-life pressures of trying to juggle being a modern married mum running her own business.